Or really, attention-whoring. Or not.
This isn’t just a weird female psychology-dichotomy thing. And in some ways, it might go better on the Artist’s Way blog, but I’m going to write about it here.
Sometimes I just feel ignored.
A lot of the time, actually. It’s not that I am ignored. You’re reading this. So I have your attention. I know that.
Maybe it’s not so much ignored as…overlooked. And I know that’s not something I can resolve within myself in one blog post.
I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this.
It’s stuff like writing fanfic for years that’s actually pretty innovative, only to get regular recognition after the show goes off the air. ((I would not call what fanfic I do nowadays remotely innovative. And the stuff that got attention was not. )) It’s the way Fat Chic gets passed over in some circles. Yes, I’m actually jealous of some other bloggers, and this is a new experience for me. I get frustrated by being overlooked but me being jealous of someone else? It’s new. But now that I’ve experienced it, I know for sure that acting out and hurting someone you’re jealous of due to jealousy is utterly inexcusable. You know your bad feelings aren’t their fault. It is to some extent my writing career – this is the other block that’s revealed itself.
What if I sort of make it, and then no one cares? The only real way to succeed in the writing biz is to get and keep attention, and if I can barely get a comment on a photograph being picked up, what hope do I have for a book?
I realize this is why we’re to build a support group. You have to have a cheering section. Without their attention, you’ve really got nothing.
I’m posting this here now to acknowledge that it’s one of the areas I’m struggling with. It’s that little well of despair that sometimes pools out on the skin of my consciousness. It’s not so much that I need an ego boost, it’s just that I need to bookmark this particular well so I know it’s there when I’m dealing with the thoughts and feelings standing between myself and finishing a work.
Also, jealousy is really itchy. For me it is kind a new experience, and I don’t like it. But I’m not mad at the people I’m jealous of – but it makes me really mad at the people that are jealous of me and who act on it. Really, you suck.