The day (maybe two days) after my father died, I had a vision while in that hypnagogic state before you wake up enough for grief to really nail you. I saw on my hand three rings: the authentic and rare yellow topaz ring I’d been presented for my sweet 16 that reminds me that at least when they started, my parents really did mean to get it right with me; my engagement ring which is a blue topaz accompanied by tiny diamonds, and a pentacle ring I’d purchased years ago when it occurred to me that a ring usually sparked less attention than a pendant. The message of the vision was pretty clear to me: even though I’d already been through third degree elevation twice, now I was really ready to actual assume a formative leadership role within my faith, as opposed to the “loud whistle, Over Here Guys!” approach that actually has served me pretty well over the past 15 years. I’m ready to form a coven, based on the mythos and lessons surrounding Psyche and Eros.
Or actually, I’m not READY but I’ve been given the cosmic green light. There’s still a metric ton of thinking and planning to do, including ensuring that Joel is properly and thoroughly trained. He’s achieved phase one of my requirement for a partner-priest on his own: he has his shit together. But this is all like city planning: I’m going to have to spend a few years framing the territory and bringing in the right influences first. Training Joel is very high on that list, as is furthering my own training now that I have a realistic view of what getting my own shit together is. In my case, to have any kind of practical success I need to be happy, first. This flies in the face of nearly everything I was taught and told about myself in my formative years. That can be hard to overcome, but it’s doable.
No matter what age I am, someone will immediately want to scream “Oh noes, don’t do that!” But that’s NOT the message I’m getting from the divine or from further divination. And no, this isn’t about simply wanting to feel powerful.
I feel powerful all the time – and I tend to feel most powerful when not surrounded by people. In fact, there’s nothing like people looking to me for leadership to make me feel completely at a loss. But I think that may be what makes me a good priestess. There is a certain satisfaction in actually being able to help someone with a magical technique – but there is also the risk that the resulting ego trip will cause you to lose sight of the person before you and his/her real needs.
At this point, I have three things to set me on this journey: my personal and carefully selected library, Joel’s home and garden where he has graciously agreed to reserve the finished basement for a covenstead and a desire to take this very slowly. I will seek advice from those I trust as things come up. I also have notes and outlines for training programs I’ve designed for myself. And for me, the skill I’m going to need to develop over and over in the coming years is the ability to listen from that deep place where you can really hear what the gods have to say – which means a lot of time working my body and mind well enough that they are quiet.
Check with me about the coven stuff in five years; I’ll probably be getting off the ground then. But I may share some of the questions I have along the way.