Happy Samhain! Today it’s raining in San Francisco, something it’s supposed to do during the winter months. In recent years it’s rained entirely too little, so all the rain is a gift. Raining on Samhain is a gift. Even if it rains on the 35th Annual Spiral Dance I’m attending tomorrow…it’s a gift.
I had planned to do a #13daysofmagic storify – since I have one last piece of magic to do for that (so much more to do of my own anyway) it can wait. I am feeling an odd, deep tired. Part of this is that I have resumed bellydance after several years, and I attended my first Aikido class at the Y this week. Between the two my quads are talking, and I am feeling exhausted.
Then there’s another odd thing, a sort of hangover from the ritual in San Jose that I attended last week. It was a well done ritual. ((I found the guy that led it ill-mannered, especially towards newcomers.)) To say I had a strange magical experience is like saying I had a strange dream: they’re all strange, so that says little. I had a remarkable experience:
Last year on Samhain, I opened the garage door and saw two white dogs I haven’t seen before or since. The year before that marked the ten year anniversary of my divorce, and on that date we signed for the mortgage on our new house. I got to see one Samhain in that house, and now we’re in San Francisco. The mind boggles, in my case a bit resentfully.
I also did some ancestor work that put my very pushy, demanding ancestors on a rather massive time out. The reason was supported by the higher powers of the universe. Basically: “You stood by and watched me be abused. You did nothing. So I am cutting you off.”
Why? Dead or alive – you can’t treat people like shit and expect them to love you. I have more love in me than is probably healthy, but that is also why I take more pain than most people. I’d done all the work, I’d made all the demonstrations…and that was it.
This year, as I walked through a space designed for us to connect with our dead, they did – more than I am actually familiar with. I got teary-eyed. I felt grief. I felt grief rolling through my body using the same muscles your body uses to vomit.
I haven’t found a good mentor to help me with my empathic ability, so I’ve had to let it mature on its own as I’ve learned to understand when I am having an emotion of my own and when I am experiencing another entity’s emotions. Apparently my new level-up in that respect is that I could tell what I was feeling wasn’t my own emotion – I was viscerally experiencing what my ancestors were feeling about me. ((This may also explain the sometimes bewildering upsurge in my libido.)) They are grieving, hard.
This of course raises some defensiveness and guilt – the whole “what the fuck? Why are you acting like I’m some big disappointment when I actually take pains to be a decent human being?”
Well, the history of narcissism being what it is, some will insist that I am a big disappointment just because I am not doing as they would do, even if what they would do is fucking awful (and some of it really was, thus the whole “you’re cut off” thing last year.) Others are just grieving me because they’re grieving.
People are grieving me, and I’m not dead. OK, relationships end and that happens.
Dead people are grieving me.
How the hell does that work?
So in MN the veil gets thinner progressively right after fall equinox. Northern California, it’s thick with break throughs here and there – but then, yesterday, I actually felt a “snap” in the air pressure and there was just plain no veil whatsoever. I’m willing to guess that all the things only I and others genetically like me can see in MN are as plain as day to just about everyone at least through the weekend. Dia de los Muertos, indeed.
Today, with the rain, I am feeling tired in the way I would feel tired after I had cried myself dry when Dad died. I’m pretty sure I’m still resonating with the ancestors on that one. I haven’t been punished or screamed at for my choice last year, and all the cards I keep throwing today (using the Da Vinci tarot) all keep showing “Death” for the recent past and “Birth” for the coming future. As usual, I hope they’re not literal – but clearly whatever I am going through, whatever I am doing, it’s about me but it’s not because it’s about Plans, as in divine plans. I wish They’d talk to me about these ideas of theirs with much more clarity.
I have one more act of magic for #13daysofmagic, and all the divination I did for myself is muddy – in part because I was inquiring about the feelings of people who aren’t quite clear on me yet, either. Just that thing I do when I’m not sure who I can trust yet.
And because it’s dorky and set in #sanfrancisco, I am also watching Charmed.
Some years I need to be ceremonial and spiritual. Some years I just need a rest. This is one of the years where I really need the rest.