If the rapture comes, will you shut up?

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Apparently I’ve lived through the end of the world at least three times in my life: once, in 1994, when I didn’t even hear about it, then in 2000 when my toilet paper indeed did not turn into a Sears catalog, and it looks like I’ll be around tomorrow. If people begin shooting up in the air like helium balloons, I’ll be ready with my camera, assuming I’m not one of them. I don’t particularly want to leave the planet, as I haven’t seen enough of it yet. I also have a deep avoidance of picturing heaven: I asked a dear friend what he pictured as heaven once, and he died the next day. I’m so not doing that again.

Personally, I don’t think anyone’s going anywhere, and my predictions about tomorrow’s “event” are pretty morbid: rashes of suicides and murder suicides are my personal bet, as it turns out that once again that some bearded guy in the sky is keeping to His schedule, and not to the schedule demanded by a petty old white guy who just can’t admit he wants to die already. I’m really worried for the people that have blown their savings; that will not be easy to recover.

Here’s the thing about this absolutist-universe where the only option for the divine is some guy on a throne stroking his beard (despite explicit orders not to picture him or even assign him gender AT ALL): I don’t think that guy would be petty. If the universe has been his personal petri dish, and he’s so OCD that he really does know every sparrow that falls, he’ll know every single person’s personal context, why they believe what they believe and how they got to those conclusions. Assuming that this bearded dude is not as small-minded a jerk as his followers… he’s not going to take only the “believers.” If God-cum-Jehovah is the “good parent” he really wouldn’t just do random shit to make sure we knew he had all the power – that’s the tactic of an abusive parent. And if that’s the case, anyone sucked up in a Rapture is very much among the damned.

Any Jehovah worth his beard-stroke will take the “good ones” and will see the whole “believer thing” as a self-correcting problem. So let’s say that the Rapture did happen – a God with any decency will take the best of the best in his/her creation, and that means that there could well be a few Pagans, Jews, and atheists trying to grab their drink off the pub table and suck down a shot as they get sucked up into the sky. Not seeing exactly that will be one of my greatest disappointments tomorrow. (I would include Muslims and Hindus in the example, but relatively few drink whiskey.)

I’m Wiccan, and Gnostic, so GodisGodisGodisn’tGodisGod to me. Really. I think that divinity does splinter down to separate identities here and there, as needed. I refuse to believe any of those aspects embodies a self-righteous jackass that would damn billions to prove a point: my opinion of Gods is better than that.