Mini Bullwer-Lytton contest

This is a passage for a mini Bulwer-Lytton contest on Absolute Write. For reference, Bulwer-Lytton was the “it’s a dark and stormy night,” guy.

He found her that morning, casually catapulting the neighbors’ prodigious collection of cats from the fourth story balcony onto the hapless pedestrians below, her elegant fingers wrapping a clip binder at the nape of each kitten while her lilting voice sang delicate songs best forgotten. “Coffee?” he offered, sidestepping an errant cat, narrowly missing the loss of his ear by an inch. She smirked at him, her pouting lips showing shadows of the night’s playful platitudes, and offered him a cat.

Note: DO NOT DO THE ABOVE WITHOUT GUIDANCE FROM A VET. ALSO, CATAPULTING CATS IS FROWNED ON IN MOST CULTURES.

Want more?
We got it. This is part of a monthly blog chain, as other wacky writers try their hand at worst ever opening lines:

orion_mk3http://nonexistentbooks.wordpress.com
AuburnAssassin http://clairegillian.com
De’s Storieshttp://desstories.blogspot.com

“By now I’m hoping that you have the urge to scratch your eyeballs out.”

dolores hazehttp://dianedooley.wordpress.com/
Horseflyehttp://thecozylittleplot.blogspot.com/
Proachhttp://www.deannaproach.com/
BigWordshttp://bigwords88.wordpress.com/

“The Celestial Wanderer, flagship of the Covenant Of Worlds, had cowered in the Newt Nebula for three solar days before Captain Washington laid down the order to emerge, the cosmic war cannons readied for engagement.”
jkellerfordhttp://jennykellerford.wordpress.com/
xcomplexhttp://arielemerald.blogspot.com/
Ralph Pineshttp://ralfast.wordpress.com/

“She was so nervous that she dove deep into a sea of sesquipedalian loquaciousness in order to extract herself from the precarious conundrum she found herself ensnared in.”
Diana Rajchel – http://blog.dianarajchel.com/
pezie – http://www.erinbrambilla.wordpress.com/
Guardian – http://daewrites.blogspot.com/
egoodlett – http://wordlarceny.blogspot.com/
Alpha Echo – http://writersramblings81.blogspot.com/
Euclid – http://euclid-thoughts.blogspot.com/

Comments

  1. Rafael

    Wait, you get to chose the best ones and add them to your blog post?

    Why didn’t I think of that?

    As for catapulting kitties….you bastards! :D

  2. alexp01

    Hilarious! Reminds me of that spot in UHF where Raoul of Raoul’s Wild Kingdom was trying to teach poodles how to fly (beware of irate kitty owners though :)). And while you technically have three sentences here, the first one is Bulwer-Lyttonish enough to pass muster on its own.

  3. Ellen

    THE POOR KITTIES!! haha, really bad, in a good way ;) and I love the video too. LOL. wish that worked on my demon twins *eyes the kittehs*

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