Postcards to Azrael

a brief note to Archangel Azrael

Azrael –

Throat gave me that sensation of closing off and I feared you and I might have an unscheduled visit. Doctor at the emergency room assures me it only feels like my throat is closing off, and while the hypersalivation is annoying and gross I’m not actually drooling. The general consensus, once they realized I’m a fat person minus the stereotyped fat diseases was, “Huh, that’s weird, but not life threatening.”

You seem like a good guy ((guy being gender neutral in this parlance)), and I just want you to know that I’m not afraid of you at all. I do maintain an ability to compartmentalize more than most, so should my death be of sucktastic circumstances I promise not to take it out on you. It seems, given these peculiar visits upon my body, that you are no more eager to take me than I am to go. I understand that – I have a feeling that upon my death, my life will get even more interesting, and my life as it is is about all I can handle right now.

In fact, it seems like these not-quite killing me incidents are a reminder that even you want me here for as long as possible. OK, I’ll work with that.

In Love,


Yes, I really did go to the ER last night. I’m fine now, but everyone from the nurse to the attending physician to the head doctor kind of poked at me, ruled out the usual fat person health assumptions, and went… “That’s weird.” The attending was also extremely impressed that I used the words “hypersalivation” and “expectorate” in a correct yet casual context.

“Are you in the medical profession?”

“No, I just did really well on the verbal portion of my SATs.”

My personal theory is that in addition to and separate from my corn syrup allergy, my body has a lower than normal starch tolerance. I can eat pasta, potatoes, whatever – but I can’t have too much of either in the same day. In fact, every time this happens it’s preceded by some sort of starch binge, although this “binge” was much smaller than the last ones.