I have too many projects and I need to find ways to narrow them down. I do feel that despite the really low follower count, this blog is one I should keep, and I think I may have it parlay onto Magickal Realism blog. The divorce book is unavoidable – after this many years, I’m not about to drop that. In fact, with the Northeast Library re-opening across the street I’ve gone and reserved a whole bunch of books on topics surrounding divorce, to fill out research around the 60K word foundation I’ve built in the book. (What is the standard documentation in occult books these days?)
I have considered closing down Magickal Realism altogether – not a fast close, but a “wow, this was a major misdirect of my energy,” thing where I gradually sell off my material. I’ve also considered just making it a hoodoo-style shop (though I’m unavoidably Wiccan.)
I’m on the fence about it. I do enjoy perfumery, and it gives me an unusual opportunity to be a priestess. At the same time, it’s a damned expensive hobby and there’s a whole world of writing I need to do. I’m spread too thin. The shop has never really recovered from the time I had to take off when my father died. I can add it to the resentful little list of major life events and accomplishments my family has managed to steal. I’m not going to put a positive spin on it, but I’ve taken the steps necessary to make sure they can’t ruin stuff for me again. Hopefully I will have some major life event that equates with a wedding, graduation or five year anniversary again – and this one I’ll know to protect. Rather than just do a shut down at the moment, though, I’m probably going to just do promo work on Tuesdays and try to just post more of all my non Fat Chic stuff here, so I’m only really doing personal/spiritual blogging in one place.
I’m also digging through even more notebooks that I’ve dug up and been doing some transcription. I’m also still determined to clean up my office space, put in a garden – it’s really not going to be a problem that it’s late this year – and create a schedule that allows me to write, do the witch thing, and do the plus-size blogger thing. My main, perhaps bizarre concern, is income. I really want more of it this year. Maybe I’m just being competitive with Mike, but I’m feeling the urge to start building some funds and I want it for my stuff, dammit.
I also don’t know why I’m hitting the magic so hard so suddenly this year. It’s not that I’m one to shy away from magic, I’ve had my routines that work for me. It’s that suddenly I feel pounded to just keep doing it, stuff I hadn’t thought of, stuff I would push aside. Part of this, I think is that I’m working with Athena for the year. She’s a strict taskmaster. But I get the feeling it’s something else, that there’s more to it than just her influence: some deep-seated urge to clean up my energy and be as right as I can within myself, because something’s coming, and it’s about me – and it’s that something that over the years people with energies that conflict with my own have also sensed coming and tried through the usual social cues and suppressions to stop. It’s coming, and something I’m plugged into wants it, and there’s no stopping it – but if I go along with the program I at least won’t get too damaged if I work with it instead of against it.
I’m adding another word to this year, to accompany culmination:
Flourish. This year, I really want to see myself flourish. When I use that word I can just picture a line of leaves and stem expanding, sunny floral things coming at me like a meadow that rolls toward you, and I can sense a body I could live in that breathes ever so much more easily than the one I live in now. I want this for myself almost like I’m a stranger to myself, like I’m some member of the audience rooting for a favorite character. I want it to happen for the Diana I watch struggle every day, because I know she’s worked so hard powered on faith and the occasional burst of support from a rare and wonderful few. Because she’s lovely and loving, and misunderstood. Because she’s paid her dues. Because she gets when it’s her, when it’s a conspiracy that screws her, and when it’s just life as laws of physics – not even possible to take personally, and no way not to take part in it.