- Let’s segregate sexual violence from the sexuality spectrum
- How perfectly nice people contribute to rape and molestation (Triggerpalooza, kids.)
- Providing you with an entire trigger warning post (the whole Kenny Klein fiasco)
- An Addendum to Perfectly Nice People
- Please flag and report those IPs!
- Gay Does not Make it Okay
- Yes, men are victims of sexual assault, too (does this really need the trigger warning?)
- A Proposal for a Sexual Ethos: Keep Your Hands to Yourself
- Sex is absolutely not necessary for initiation. Especially if you’re a minor.
- Kenny Klein fallout: the problems that aren’t
- An Addendum: No one I know regrets the sex
- Words: the first weapons in an assault
- The Myth of the Healing Confrontation
- So what do we do with any predators we find?
- the Sacred Mystery of Denial #paganvalues
- Controlling behavior: exhibit 1
Yes, I have been reading the rehash of the Frosts initiation rites and AJ Drew’s reaction to those practices. While I have no regrets about losing my virginity at the age I did to the person I did, I’m pretty sure I would have many regrets if my parents had been involved in any way. Incest by proxy is a real thing and there is absolutely nothing OK about it. It was the implication of this – that I had to see permission from my mother to have sex – that alerted me to the reality that as I became a more developed adult with my very own sexuality, I would be continually more unsafe with my family of origin.
As some of you who followed my blogs in years past know, my sixteen year old perception had a very accurate assessment.
As it is, deciding early that my parents had a really unhealthy view of sex and that I was not going to follow any examples set in the household I grew up in has saved more than my sex life. I’m a large woman with little to no body shame. That’s a massive blessing that makes everything from my organs to my outlook healthier. Because I consciously refused those values I recognized that slut shaming was wrong long before I became sexually active ((my mother somehow got all the family doctors to slut shame ME when my sister became sexually active, and wasn’t it a coincidence that when my family was cast in church plays I was always the one stuck with the part of Mary Magdelene, herself miscast as "slut" when she wasn’t)) and I checked out of the constant yo-yo diet train. Compared to other women my age I know I have had far fewer organ-based complications: no kidney stones, no gall stones, all organs still here, no impactions, no unbelievably painful periods, only minor digestive issues and exactly one case of food poisoning – that was NOT greeted with some comment about how much weight I lost as a result.
It also gave me room to find out that not only am I naturally inclined towards magical practice, I’m very well suited to sex magic. The reason I am taking all this time to educate about sexual violence, consent, and why consent matters in nonsexual contexts is not because I am the adult child of a narcissist and thus an abuse survivor (though that is what informs much of this.) I am writing this series and talking about this hard stuff because the absolute most sacred part of my life is sex. I feel a responsibility to keep it sacred and that means disempowering abusers by putting every weapon they have on display.
From my own experience engaging in sacred sex for magical acts:
Sex magic works best as an expression of wholeness.
Wholeness – not true love. Not the self-mythologizing hell we praise as romance. Not off the charts sexual compatibility, or other mythologized stuff that can in fact be learned.
Simple, honest desire meeting honest desire, using touch to give pleasure as an expression of appreciation in a way only someone with a fully developed frontal lobe ((happens at some point after age 25)) can express it.
So a Wiccan or other initiation of a child between 12 and 16 that involves "surprise sex" may well benefit one person magically – the person that is demanding the sex. You can get a power surge off of violence, no matter how gentle the disguise of that violence. That’s especially true when you violate children. All acts of molestation are monstrous; perhaps this one seems all the more monstrous because it is done in such a way that the victims are tricked into thinking they are giving consent.
A symbolic sexual act is still a sexual act. It requires full knowledge and consent without a hint of duress.
With the Frost initiation, children are certainly placed in a situation where refusal would have rebounding psychological and possibly physical consequences. Since the Frosts operate on a family tradition model, that means the children are pressured by their parents to undergo this ritual – much as Christian parents pressure their children to take confirmation vows. Family pressure of a child for something as personal as offering up their first sexual experience is the exact opposite of consent.
The person "initiated" is going to be left in a weakened psycho-social state that is just plain bad for magical work, any and all. It’s something a destructive cult does; it’s certainly not the act of any genuine religious sect. Violating a boundary is the exact opposite of sacred.
I use sex magic. I have since I first figured out that hey, people use sex! for magic! Hey, these are two of my favorite things!
Being the bouncy Eros loving being I am, I was quite eager to get bouncing on that happy train…
but sometimes my partners were not.
Some just didn’t believe in magic. Belief doesn’t matter – certainly I’ve had non-believing partners quite happy to assist anyway. But some had disbelief to the point where they couldn’t interact with me for ritual purposes because of that. Others had some sexual hangups that ritual sex by its nature confronts.
And I did not force it. Unless somebody really wants to be there, you’re just vampirizing them and that’s NOT OK.
Sex is absolutely not necessary for an initiation to take. We can do all the rituals we want but the gods only want their own and none require sex, ritual or otherwise, to get there. They may ask it later for certain rituals but especially for first initiation… no. Sex is the most popular of transitive experiences but it is far from the only one – and no, it’s not the only pleasurable one, either.
Knowing there’s sex awaiting will not impact the effectiveness of the sex. One of the reasons the activity remains so popular is because, even with the same partner it can be a surprise every time.
Again, this stuff about the Frosts initiations? It’s hard to say the bad outweighs the good there. This medieval fantasy of sexual initiation is one of the reasons I am leery of people that adopt fantasy culture into their sexuality. If we are truly a religious grouping that accepts science, we need to accept that longer lifespans give us time to allow the children to become fully neurologically developed. It’s a matter of healthy survival to allow children to determine their sexual development on their terms, not the terms of the adults around them. Sex with children is not a grey area; an elder taking command of a child’s sexuality is never, under any circumstances, OK.