This is part of my work in the Julia Cameron Artist’s Way series. The work this time is from the book the Sound of Paper. The responses are self-examinations and assessments based on work through a daily series of exercises. While I do keep some material offline as it can be very personal and jarring, I often opt to be fairly open about my experiences, both positive and negative.
…I can think of two areas where I’m trying to work around another person’s procrastination. One appears to me like it is a tech guy doing the “immovable force” thing. Mike has pulled this on me when he disagrees with how I want to use a technology, or when he assumes I can’t do something I perfectly well can. Sometimes he’s right, but sometimes he just has to let me break shit and fail. Another is trying to get the Doctor Who anniversary stuff off the ground. It’s not procrastination, per se, but I am a bit concerned that an event I’ve been working on since last year only even registered on some people’s radar last month. Clearly I need to revamp my communication style yet again.
- I took a break from working on rewrites last week. My brain did not like it, judging from the insomnia.
- I need my beauty day. I keep deferring, even though it positively impacts my health.
- The apartment needs a station declutter. Even the living room is piling up.
- I owe Ryan (my writing buddy) a writer’s date. I’ve been trying since last month. Part of it is scheduling conflicts, but I have to admit that the pressure is always going to be on me to find things for us to do, and that’s part of why I’m procrastinating. I’m getting brain freeze. I can’t see him enjoying one of the museum lectures I like, and I’m not sure sitting in on an author reading will really work well for him.
- My Google tasks has way more entries and lists than should rightfully be in ANY Google tasks. Fat Chic, from writing posts to cleaning up the catalog project, is a veritable procrastination nightmare.
I’ll do a point by point in my morning pages notebook, but I can highlight the big fears/resentments/problems as the arc over what I’m doing:
- I’m feeling persistently overwhelmed. I’ve taken on too much to do, and I know it.
- While I have great people around me who are as good as their word when they say they’ll help, I’m still behaving as though my friends will let me down at any given opportunity. That was who I was around in 2004/2005 – 2012 is a different group of people with a much better attitude towards me. (Maybe because most of them have better stuff than me, and thus any jealousy is my problem and not theirs.)
- I’m starting to face the conflict between my environmentalist morality and the comforts of life I enjoy and wish to keep. For example, Mike and I have shared a car since 2006. Normally that’s fine, but lately it’s been getting more difficult to deal with, especially with friends and the spiritual events that work for me scattered out in the suburbs. Still, going one car is by far our best financial decision so far (followed by getting our wills and living wills done via Community Ed.)
- Decision fatigue. When you’re in a position where you’re constantly the decision maker, your brain gets tired. It’s why I only declutter one spot in my home at a time – you try to do every room and make a decision about everything you touch, your brain will short out.
- Stubborn adherence to process. Honestly, I should just toss the magazines from March and get into newer stuff for Fat Chic. But it was there before or while I initially hurt my back and hamstring, and by golly, I’m going to resume where I left off! My refusal to jettison is at this point starting to concern even me. I’m not ready to change it, but I need to make a plan for changing it, gently.