- Mike. It offends/upsets/gives me anxiety that I rely on him as a breadwinner. Not only does it upset my feminist self-image, money was one of the only tools my parents both used in different ways to threaten and control me. They went for money because I was actually really rule abiding except for two or three major incidents and exceptions – so the only bullying tactic I left them was perceived scarcity. My ex husband was also all about imagined scarcity and creating scarcity. This, along with actual restrictions to my freedom and social life that came with becoming a true dependent for the first time since I was 15 makes me really uncomfortable. Also, I’m always afraid his parents will accuse me of gold-digging like my former in-laws did.
- My debts. My student loans are all I really have left, and when I clear them I will have to struggle to reframe my reality.
- My limited transportation. Mike and I share a car, and we decided to do this long before I opted to work from home/go entrepreneurial . I live on a bus line and all, so I’m not that restricted – it’s much more about my perception of it than any real isolation. But it does make it hard for me to keep appointments and a social calendar. If it’s just “hey, I want to go somewhere today,” that’s different and easier than “hey, I’m going to go meet someone today.” Much of this might ease if I lived in Uptown, or University, which are both relatively central to people I know and things I do.
- My volunteer gigs. I’m really not enjoying one at all, and this was before there was drama. I’m also looking to phase myself out from the Doctor Who meetup over the next five years, I’m just looking for the right people to pass the keys to and figuring out the best ways to ask the group. It looks simple, but there’s actually a lot of training to do.
- Friends, to a point. I’m actually forcing myself not to offer to purchase drinks, etc.
Filed under: Prosperous Heart