To selected sounds and “expansion music” write out what the ideal life would look like in the headed areas.
Sounds: leaves rusling in the wind, some still attached to strings. The computer fan wobbling along behind me. The fan in the next room, drying boxes I just sprayed.
The occasional car and bus roaring past.
Music: Elias, Prayer Cycle, Grace. Also, Pachelbel Canon in D.
Envisioning an Expanded Life Exercise
I still don’t know if group work is the right choice for me. I’ve always left feeling dissatisfied, tired, slightly – or very – used. I want a working partner. I want a selection of people I can go to, not bound to dogma while thinking they’re not. I want people who yes, consider my approaches and even experiment with them, but also do stuff on their own. New stuff. Not the same stuff, over and over again. I want a real sense of spiritual connection in a shared community; right now I have to step away from the community to feel spirit because community crap is always what throws me off from the spiritual. I have a daily practice. I would like to greet acts of magic with joy and not because I need to break out the emergency kit again. I want to be around some people that get me on a spiritual level, and who don’t project their religious bugaboos onto me. I am Wiccan, and the Goddess resonates, and Eros resonates, and even Diana resonates (namesake) but the forms I see around me don’t, no matter how welcoming their practitioners.
I have some amazing friendships, and I actually cherish how we are spread out across the world. It gives me a sense of connection to the greater world, a reason to travel, a reward for maintaining a global viewpoint. I need to find more people of quality within my local sphere. A few are there. I just want something healthy, and people that are also doing the work to be healthy from the inside out. I want people I feel safe being myself around – and that I haven’t really had since I moved to Minnesota. It seems like so many of the locals watch and wait for you to screw up, and there’s that whole human projection screen I struggle with where I do get projected onto a lot. Right now I feel like I’ve been trapped in a double standard, where people are demanding I accept them as they are – even if I must change myself to do so. I’m also wary of people that only approach me with an agenda in mind; that’s residual poison to my aura from my family. Simple liking seems to have died in this state. I need a sense of safety, and of trust, and reassurance that these are not people who will ignore pathological behavior and expect me to as well.
A simple vision for improving this area of my life: coffee with someone once a week. A regular hangout for a group event, which I already kind of do. To be able to go to a friend’s birthday party without being verbally attacked by one of her other friends when she’s not looking.
I’m working on an overall vision for this. Right now it’s about getting multiple projects going, and finishing off the book on divorce so it’s ready for the editing process – and also spending a significant amount of time marketing it while working on additional stuff. Right now I’m seeing a half-day split like I’m doing now, with writing in the morning and blogging in the afternoon. I also enjoy running Fat Chic on auto in the background, but clearly I run out of steam on that from time to time, and in the long run, I want to offer real quality.
We want a condo, but it’s not the right time. Besides, I really like this apartment. I want to improve lighting in the office and bedroom, and set up a sort of photo-studio on the bedroom with the improved lighting so I can do that whole tour of my closet thing for Fat Chic. I did go to the trouble of buying a tripod for it. I’d like to get baskets up in the bathroom so that the only thing that sits on the sink is the soapdish. I still want a basket for the living room. Also, we’re seriously considering using a Groupon and trying one of those cleaning services – it’s not a bad way to go, assuming Mike can get over his guilt about it. I keep telling him it’s not even remotely the same as having a servant, but he is very Iowan in that respect.
Maybe I should give the UK another try, and see if I actually enjoy it this time. I’d really like to see Rome next, and I want to go spend some time in New Orleans. I’d prefer to spend time there writing, which maybe after my second book or my first fiction book I’ll do, depending on where I’m at with all that. I’d very much like to go to Pantheacon, and I’m working on my crowd-fear so that I can withstand Gallifreycon. Time in New Mexico also really appeals to me.
Let’s see, I still want to self-publish an anthology of my old Llewellyn articles, and assemble that Zombie Story into an epub with transitional writing. I also have tons of herbs and essential oils begging to become something useful, and a long, slow plan involving decoupage. My fantasy is to actually clean my shelves of ALL supplies and sell them all off without restocking. I enjoy it, but I’m starting to wonder if that part of my life is over, or if it’s just waiting in the background for a new phase. My life revolves so much around writing right now.
I really am happy with what I have in my immediate life. Content, even. Relationships could improve on a local level, but I’m starting to think that it’s really not something I can or should try to “fix.” There are just more people that are sick than that are well, and I have to learn to deal with that.