This used to be my birthday

It’s one thing to change your legal name. It depends on what state you’re in, but usually that’s easy. I have considered changing my middle name – and that is just a matter of paperwork and money. Legally changing a birthday, however, just isn’t going to happen no matter what religious grounds I might pose. Honestly, if I were the judge in the matter, I’d turn me down.

How this day went from birthday to un

I considered not writing this – time fluidity/personal detail hoarding is a magical defense technique that goes back to Dion Fortune. I have mixed feelings about it: we US-Americans tend to be an excessively open lot, part of why we fail to spot our more dangerous narcissists. At the same time, being open about this one was breaking a pattern of keeping my real feelings to myself/flat out lying about my feelings. Speaking up broke a different kind of spell.

If you read the linked post, it explains in more detail why I changed the date. To summarize, there were so many bad memories attached to my birthday and to all the following holidays that my body was lapsing into depressive states with no outward stimuli. I needed it to stop.

Since I made the decision to change my birthday this season has felt entirely different. I can handle it. I enjoy it. When I say I changed my birthday, I do not mean that I rescheduled it. I went through a 24-30 month process, including a rebirth ritual with an old friend acting as High Priestess. I made offerings to the Fates, petitioning for a reweaving of mine.

They all said yes.

In my case, they seemed happy to do it. I’m not so sure how they’d react for other people.

Basically, I’ve gone from being a Scorpio to being a Leo. It’s been superbly effective. I still have all the same psychic peccadilloes at a much lower intensity, and the psychological ones are fading, correcting…finally actually healing. Since the rebirth I can access my memories without reliving them – something that had become quite debilitating. The memories are still there. I still need them. But they won’t overtake me when I’m trying to go about my day, or clean out my fridge, or have coffee with a friend, or in the middle of a dance floor. Scorpio is still in my chart somewhere, and I think my old ascendant of Aquarius is in there somewhere, too. I’ve switched the place of the sun and the moon in the structure of my soul, and now the shadows don’t cause me to stumble. All of the power but so much less pain.

There have been personality changes; it’s hard to see those from inside. I can get a glimpse of it from the way my relationships have adjusted externally. I don’t struggle when it’s time to let someone go. I am not as wary of new people approaching me (although, as recent incidents reveal, might be something I need to adjust for.) I’ve finally, finally stopped pushing people away. Things with Mike have changed – even at our worst, we’ve always been good together, but something about the efforts of this particular change has prompted him to transition from at-best borderline tolerance of my religious practices to straightforward support. I’d never expect participation from him, and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want it – having a loving primary partner who is not in any way magical is a very good thing for me. My introversion/extroversion bar has shifted slightly, but not all that much – I still need more energy from quiet time than I do from heavy interaction.

This move, as compared to my last major transplant move to Minneapolis in 2002, is actually a pretty good baseline. I do actually know what’s happening on a symptom level this time – and I at least know what’s wrong with me when I break out in hives this time. I feel no compunction to pretend I have it all together this time. I’ve just made a cross country move in the middle of things happening in my career and in the middle of a long-term medical treatment. I don’t need to put a good face on it, or hide my feelings. That was the hardest part of being a Scorpio: all that venom circulating in my system. I didn’t try to use it on anyone else unless I felt my hand was forced, but when it didn’t get used, it turned on me.

Wait…so if I’m a Leo sun with a Scorpio ascendant, does that make me a manticore?

For those that worry about such things – I’m just as sexy. It’s just not that hyper-intense Goth sexy. According to one male friend, other women my age can still be girls but not me. I’m a woman. (his italics, not mine.) The Goddess is very present in me.